Chronic Masticator

Does baby want his bottle?

2005-07-12T22:44:00.000-04:00

I played basketball with some guys at work today. Haven't done it in a while and usually it's at least 3 on 3. Well, today, there was only 5 of us, so we played 2 on 2 with one sub. One guy - we'll call Mr. Shittalker - was, as his name implies, talking shit non-stop until he "sprained his ankle". So I went in for him, but he still wouldn't stop talking shit to everyone. After 30 min of just basically sitting there badmouthing everyone, he finally comes in and I get to guard him.

And then he starts whining about the way I play. Now for the last little while, I've been holding back because I'm very physical playing basketball, and I do work with these guys. But I didn't hold back today. I play hard defence, and as one guy started calling me, Tenacious D. I know I can't shoot worth shit, and I don't dribble very well, but I can get in the other guy's way. I'll be the very first to admit I'm not good at basketball, and 9 times out of 10, I will be beat. But fuck him if he thinks I'm not gonna make him work for every single point. And Mr. Shittalker starts whining about his ankle and that I should take it easy on him. Bullshit. His ankle's good enough for him to make fast cuts left and right, to make jump shots and drive to the basket, it's good enough for me to press him on every posession. I just got into his head cause he couldn't make the shots he wanted. And that's what probably upset him the most.

But what does the prima donna expect? For me to just let him just step aside and take an easy shot at the basket. Fuck him. He doesn't want his ankle to get more injured, he should back up, or just sit the fuck down. I'm not gonna give him shit. So he starts pushing back for position, but I'm not gonna back down from him. And he start's asking "What are you doing?" Apparently he thinks that no one should contest any shot he takes, and drives he takes to the basket. What a fucking pansy. And I told him, "I'm playing basketball". Things almost broke out into fisticuffs, but the game ended before then. But if he thinks I was fouling him, Mr. Shittalker should have said something. Instead he wants to run his mouth and then complain when someone challenges him? I say, if you're gonna talk shit, back it up. Don't fucking cry if someone actually steps up and see what you're made of. What a little princess.

O Canada

2005-07-05T00:10:00.000-04:00

There's nothing quite like Canada Day in the nation's capital. If you've never been to Ottawa for Canada Day, it's quite the spectacle. First off, the Lord Elgin is a beautiful hotel. It's olde-tymie yet modern and elegant. My favorite thing about the hotel is the mail slots on each floor. It's basically a tube and you can drop your letters in it and see it fall all the way down to the main floor. Kiddish, I know, but I've not seen one of those in a long long time. It almost made me want to mail something. Like a chicken bone. The actual Canada Day festivities was crazy. Throngs of people milling around. We saw Adrienne Clarkson with a horse-mounted RCMP calvary escort. We saw French lumberjacks and Scottish bagpipers. And all the museums were free. Did we see the war museum? Aviation museum? No...Sara wanted to go to the Children's museum. It was fun, but I kinda wanted to see Hitler's car. And tales and artifacts of Canadian heroism. It is the year of the veteran afterall. The Children's museum took most of the afternoon actually, and it started to rain so we went back to the hotel for a quick nap.

Dinner was at this great Italian restaurant a few blocks south whose name eludes me (Johnny something-or-other's). And then it was off to see the free concert and fireworks. We saw Kalen Porter (ooh yay...), some Francophone acts and Sam Roberts. And then the explosions started. It was one of the better pyrotechnic displays in quite a while. Well, that's where our tax dollars go I guess. So all in all, it was a very enjoyable weekend. Exhausting, but very fun.

One thing I did learn though. Four people and all their stuff in a Mini Cooper to Ottawa is a very uncomfortable trip.

I challenge you to a duel!

2005-06-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, for the first time, I fenced against someone. In a way, it felt like I travelled back to the 16th century when men wore wigs and running someone through with cold steel was the civilized way to settle a dispute. It was the greatest fun I've had in a while. And I really should have won my first bout. You'd think that the torso would be an easy enough target to hit on a regular basis...but no. It's waaay harder than that. I did score the first point though, so I didn't get completely whomped. I lost to a left handed babe (she was hot) 3-2. In a way, that's a victory in itself. Then I fenced against my pal Ed. My legs have never burned so much for so long before. I beat him to 3 points, but he beat me to 5. By the last point, we were both just flailing our foils around hoping for a lucky hit...and unfortunately he got it first. But i'll get him next time Gadget....next time!!!!

Me: 1, Pavement 0...suck on that!!

2005-06-07T00:07:00.000-04:00

I fell rollerblading. Well...actually it was more of a wipe-out. I was rollerblading back from the gym, going down this hill doing my tuck and roll, feeling all like Jeremy Witherspoon, Lance Armstrong, and Alberto Tomba all rolled into one, whe I hit one of those dreaded speed humps. I've gone over them tens of times before with no incident. But this time I landed too far back on my heels and lost control. Fortunately I was able to twist around and stop using my wrist guards and the boot part of the rollerblades. And all I have to show for my moment of stupidity is a scrape the size of a cell phone on my right elbow and a small one on my hip that I can barely feel or see. And what did I learn from this? Other than that synthetic skin spray burns like the clap, absolutely nothing. Hell, I'm young, I'm destructable right? Ooh....sore muscles from the gym. Which reminds me. My dad called me fat yesterday as well. I'm gonna develop a complex soon.

Helpful Hint of the Day

2005-05-08T22:17:00.000-04:00

Artificial BBQ flavour potato chip powder in the eye stings like a motherfucker.

Who the hell needs acid!

2005-05-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

A combination of lacking sleep and liquids has giving me this pulsing headache. Maybe it's cause I'm wearing my old glasses too. And I must say, it is bitchinest feeling I've had in a while! Everything's spinning and there's extra lights in places I've never noticed lights before. It's like my very own psychedelic ride where taking more drugs will actually make me feel better!!

I think I'm going to lie down before I puke.

Don't ask, just do it

2005-04-19T22:45:00.000-04:00

If you're a fan of the genre of music, do yourself a freakin service and pick up the latest Garbage CD "Bleed Like Me". In fact, pick it up even if you aren't a fan of the genre. It hasn't been out of my CD player in my car for the past week. There's just the perfect combination of guitar, bass, lil bit of electronica, and Shirley Manson's extremely sexay singing voice that takes me to aural ecstasy. I only wish I was able to see them live when they're here in Toronto....

Has it been more than a month?

2005-04-14T00:28:00.000-04:00

Wow...I really gotta get back to this blogging thing....

Well, nothing too much happened in the past month. Well, I bought a car. Not just any car. A brand new car. But not just any brand new car. I got my affordable dream car...the MINI COOPER!! It's my new baby. Blue with racing strips on the hood, and the biggest sunroof I've ever seen on a car. I never understood the attachment some guys have towards their car until now. I'm not completely obsessed, like completely customizing it and what not. In the end I still know it's just a vehicle. Must be my father's influence. He only thinks of a car as a means of transportation. But now I know it's so much more. In a way, the car you choose becomes a reflection of your personality. And everyone I meet has said the Mini is so me. And I absolutlely love it. The most fun I've ever had getting from point A to point B. My only concern is that I bought a standard, but never really learned how to drive standard proficiently. So I'm babying my car probably more than I really need to and trying to make sure she's still sexy when she gets older (cars are always female for some reason). Funniest thing happened while with my car. A girl asked me why I bought a Mini. I was going to say something about the styling of the car, the handling, and the performance of it, but my smart-ass side won out on me. I looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, other guys need big cars or big houses to compensate for other shortcomings. I don't have that problem." I like to think she was intrigued.

But either way I now have car payments. I feel so grown up now. All I need is house payments, a wife and some kids, and and a minivan and I'll join the adult population in suburban hell. But I'll always have my Mini.

Let's get ready to rumble!!!

2005-03-01T22:58:00.000-05:00

So while visiting in Winnipeg, we went to see a Muay Thai prize fight tournament. In a community centre. In Transcona. Now for any of those unfamiliar with Transcona, it is the mullet capital of Canada, so you know this event was going to be classy. At first, I enjoyed it, but the more I thought about it, the more things I found that annoyed the hell out of me. Well, actually one major thing: it seemed that no one (not even the fighters) had respect for tradition. The most glaring example of this was in one match, this one fighter knocked out his opponent in 21 seconds. The victor and his entourage were waving their flags in the ring, music playing, and taking pictures WHILE his opponent is still lying in the ring receiving medical attention. Now I'll be the first to admit I'm not an expert in Muay Thai, but I'm pretty damn sure that's not what the originators of Muay Thai had in mind. I was always taught and told that any martial art is about discipline, self-confidence, unifying the body and spirit, etc, etc. Not about gloating over your opponents. He might as well have been standing on the guy's chest, flexing his muscles. Absolutely disgusting.

I'll admit that the fighters were amazing to watch, and these athletes are highly skilled, but in my opinion, while they may have shown respect towards each other, they showed no respect to what they were doing. And I see this with the majority of martial arts schools here in the Western hemisphere. They teach technique, but not the tradition. Oh, most do pay lip service to it, but there are few and far between where tradition and respect are as important, if not more important, than technique itself. In fact, whenever I see kickboxing now, it's more like watching boxing in Vegas than anything else. Entrance music, entourage, ring announcers, it's all spectacle. And I find that really sad actually.

Gung Hey Fat Choy!

2005-02-09T01:54:00.000-05:00

That's right everybody! It's now Chinese New Year...the only day of the calendar year Chinese restaurants close. It's the year of the Cock. How delightfully dirty! And even better, it's my year!! That's right. I'm a cock.

So what did I do to celebrate my birthday? Dinner with some friends (thanks all for showing up) at Jack Astor's for starts. Best part of the meal was the crayon drawings before, during, and after the meal...cause crayons somehow make food taste better. Even though the Missus was feeling sickly she made it out for the dinner, which meant alot to me.

And then afterwards we headed off to the Honest Lawyer for some drink-type fun (thanks to those who showed up afterwards). And if I may say, I had a little too much drink-type fun. And after that, it was a blur of dancing in a pub, playing pool, coffee and falling asleep in my friend's car. So I go on record as saying:

Thanks Angela for looking out for me (and I'll get your Christmas gift to you sometime).

I stand by my comment!!

2005-01-31T23:23:00.000-05:00

I was watching the new Gone in 60 Seconds with Nicholas Cage and Angelina Jolie a couple of days ago, and I saw something that was so ficticious that it took me right out of the movie. I know there's taking liberties with reality, but I can't accept something so blatantly false.

Women can't drive. Honestly, what the hell were they thinking?

Worst...Album....EVER!!!

2005-01-28T01:09:00.000-05:00

A while back, I made possibly what is the worst collection of songs ever...but in a good way. And someone once asked me why I would do such a thing. Is it some sort of audial masochistic exercise? Maybe I just have bad taste in music? Actually I just wanted to put together songs that are so bad, they're good. And I'm not talking about Chumbawumba, which has no redeeming social values whatsoever, or Kenny G. You know those songs that no matter how horrible or tacky they are just brings a smile to your face? Reminds you of simpler times? Well, here are those songs for me. You may agree, you may disagree, but one thing's for sure...these are all horrible horrible songs. And I'll tell you why I like each one.

1) John Farnham - Pressure Down
This is quite possibly the worst song ever recorded in human history. Judging by the lyrics, it's either about being restless and wanting to go somewhere new, or about being constipated. If I had to guess, it would be the latter. The only real redeeming factor for this song is that I can harass and annoy my friends to no end with it.

2) Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
It's pretty ironic that the guy singing this was butt ugly. But the rhymes are great.

3) Stan Bush - You Got The Touch
When I was watching the Transforemers movie as a kid, and this song starts up, I saw Optimus Prime transform into that semi-trailer and start kicking some serious widescreen ass. To this day I still think it was one of the greatest sequences put to music ever. Too bad the song encompasses every nauseating 80's music cliches known. The synthesizer guitar is almost enough to make your ears bleed.

4) Leslie Gore - Sunshine, Lolipops and Rainbows
Any song that's played during a high-speed chase by Chief Wiggum is gold.

5) The Archies - Candy Girl (Sugar Sugar)
When I was a kid, I remember watching this live action Archies movie about when they're all adults. And Jughead taught this song to his kid so he can impress some girl at the park...at least I think it was a movie. Either that or a Dimetapp-induced hallucination during a fever of 104.

6) Ohio Express - Yummy yummy yummy (I got love in my tummy)
I like this song....I don't' know why...I just like this song

7) Kirk Van Houten - Can I Borrow A Feeling
It's straight from the Simpsons...what more is there to say? Besides, it is something that Hall and Oates, or to a lesser extent Captain and Teneal, would write and sing.

8) Minnie Ripperton - Loving You (is easy cause you're beautiful)
The fact that this is going to be

9) Styx - Come Sail Away
There's a couple reasons this song makes me laugh. One, the song is about Jesus. Two, knowing that, the lyrics don't make a lick of sense. Three, it's one song that everyone seems to love for the wrong reasons.

10) Hall and Oates - Maneater
"They're not gay, but they sing as if they are!" Besides, everyone knows at least one girl like the one mentioned in the song.

11) Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
Word to your mother. The shaved eyebrow, the Malibu gangsta look, the fact that he ripped off Queen's "Under Pressure". Not only was he in a Ninja Turtles movie, but does anyone else remember he starred in his own movie "Cool as Ice?" Oh, the gleefully painful memories.

12) Snow - Informer
Does anyone know what he's actually singing? Oh, memories of Grade 6 are flooding back...

13) Milli Vanilli - Blame it on the rain
I still say that if these guys had made it big today, they would be on top with their Grammys. I mean look at Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson. They lip sync their songs and no one really makes a stink about it. There's no justice in the world. It's a shame Milli committed suicide. Or maybe it was Vanilli...

14) Let's hear it for the boys
One of my favourite memories is driving down the street with the windows rolled down and rockin' out to this song. At a red light, this woman rolls up, and does a double-take when she realizes what song is playing. I quickly flash her the devil horns and the Gene Simmons tongue, and drive off when the light turns green, leaving her with this look of abject confusion.

15) Weather Sisters - It's Raining Men
I needed to fill 4 minutes on this CD, and it was either this, or Barbie Girl...I think I made the right choice.

16) Haddaway - What is love?
Everyone remembers the "Night at the Roxbury" sketches on Saturday Night Live. The best is the original with Jim Carrey. The bit where he feeds the octogenarian her applesauce to the beat of the song makes me laugh every time I hear it. And you gotta do the head bob when listening to this song.

17) Sir Mix-a-lot - Baby Got Back
Best karaoke song sung by a girl ever!!

18) Jay-Z (feat. Punjabi MC) - Beware of the Boys
Being really really drunk one time in a bar, I hear this song playing. And something pops into my head...I know this song...but from where? And then it dawns on me...the back beat is lifted straight from the Knight Rider theme song. And me being in a really drunken state thought this little tidbit of info would impress the girl I was next to. Needless to say I went home alone that night.

19) David Hasselhoff - Hooked on a Feeling
Speaking of Knight Rider....of all the songs on this album, this one gets stuck in my head more than any others. I mean, he is the Knight Rider. He is Baywatch. He's the guy responsible for the fall of the Berlin Wall (according to him). And the fact that the video for this song is an absolute mind-fuck.

20) Leonard Nimoy - Ballad of Bilbo Baggins
It's Spock...singing about Bilbo Baggins....how the universe hasn't collapsed on itself is beyond me. Actual lyrics from the song: "Bilbo (Bilbo!) Bilbo Baggins, only three feet tall. Bilbo (Bilbo!) Bilbo Baggins, bravest little hobbit of them all"

21) William Shatner - Rocketman
I don't know if any of you have actually heard this, but the man sings like he acts. In fact he is so off-rhythm but somehow stays on rhythm. It's mindboggling he actually took this singing thing seriously.

So there you go. That's my list. Anyone think I should add a song to this list? Hey, perhaps we should make a radio station, playing only crap songs...oh wait, that's Jack FM.

Where there's a Denny's on one corner, and a IHOP on the other

2005-01-18T01:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm about to reach a crossroads in my life soon. It's as if I can almost feel that a large, life-altering event needs to happen soon before I drop into a self-made rut. It's not like my life hasn't changed drastically already in the past year. Graduated from university, got a job I enjoy, saving up for a new car...and yet, it's all not enough. I've even tried taking up old hobbies, signing up for new ones, and yet something is not quite right. I still need something to happen. Perhaps it's because I'm still living at home, like I'm back to where I started 6 years ago and what I've accomplished since doesn't matter. I feel like some old vinyl that just as it gets to the good part of the song, it skips into this endless loop of the same lyric over and over, until someone takes the needle off the damn record and moves it up a few notches. That's what I need. Something to move my needle up a few notches.

But I can't just go out and expect it to happen. I need some kind of plan...but first I need to find out where the hell I need to get to...Well, I have no more time to figure it all out right now. I need to get sleep.

Say again?

2005-01-05T18:56:00.000-05:00

I was in the Dollar Store earlier, and I heard the cashier ask for a price check.

Isn't that wierd?

I think Baby New Year pooped in his diaper...

2005-01-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

So I've made a couple of New Year's resolutions. As someone pointed out to me, it really is a frivolous pursuit, since if you don't accomplish them, you feel like your year was a waste. If you have no goals, you can't be disappointed. But I'm going to try anyways. What am I going to accomplish this year?

1) Go to the gym at least twice a week. It's come to the point that I want to go work out more just so I can get my money's worth out of my membership. Getting in shape is a close second.

2) Buy a Mini Cooper by July...August at the latest. Not really a resolution, but more like a wish.

3) Watch less TV. I never realized how much time I wasted just watching TV...at least I could play video games or something.

4) Read more. I'm seriously going to give this whole literacy thing a try. I've heard good things.

5) Show up to work on time. I think my employers would appreciate that one, cause my bank account sure appreciates my employers.

I think that's about it. I don't thing there's anything on that list that's unobtainable. So who wants to bet which one I'll break first.

Hey big spender

2004-12-21T01:54:00.000-05:00

Over a family diner the subject of gambling came up. Who knows how. But my dad mentioned this one casino in Reno where in the highroller section, they had slot machines which were $5000 a pull. $5000!!! And you didn't even have to pull the lever...you could press the shiney button on the front. Now what fun is that really. Especially for $5000. I figure if you're gonna spend that much on one pull, you should be entertained. You know, when you pull the lever, it should offer something more than flashy dingy lights. Now my idea of a $5000 slot machine is as follows:

Imagine a two-storey slot machine and the lever is actually a good 5 meters back from the actual machine. And it's a big lever. Like "Price is Right" big. And when you pull the lever, all the flashy lights and dinging bells go off while two doors from the bottom of the machine swing up. And what you see is a slave in a loincloth turning a huge stone cog while being whipped by the slave-master (just like in the beginning of Conan the Barbarian). And as that slave pushes that wheel in a circle, it powers the slots and makes them spin. This machine would take a good five minutes to play too, either until the slots stop, or the slave passes out from exhaustion. See, now THAT would make losing $5000 on one pull alot more palatable.

And what was my mom's response when hearing this from her son? "You're sick!"

heh heh heh

"Update your blog, mofo!"

2004-11-24T23:44:00.000-05:00

An exact quote from someone who wants me to write more. I guess it's a good thing for me, getting some well-needed mental exercise (seeing as though my physical exercise routine, good intentions and all, has seemingly went the way of the dodo) and I thank you you know who you are, N). But since employment has started to kick me in the face, I've had nothing to rant against...as I've done nothing really that exciting since.

Well, thinking back, there WAS this one birthday party for a friend and former roommate.
We went to a club called Lucid. Now for those living or familiar with downtown Toronto, they built it inside the old Sega City Playdium.

Short version: Never go to Lucid.

Long Version:
As soon as I lined up, I knew I was in for an interesting night. First, the line-up to get in started across the street. So at 5-10 min intervals, the police would stop traffic and herd a group of 30 or so across the street like cattle to the proverbial meat market. Now somehow, my friend got us in the VIP line (I think he just called ahead), and for this honour, got to stand in line for 30 min and received a nifty stamp on my hand so I only had to pay $10 for cover. Woo hoo. When we got in, another hand stamp to signify we paid cover or something...I don't know. Drinks weren't too badly priced and the atmosphere was pretty good, but the experience quickly went downhill from there. Big lines to get to any bar. Plus, originally they had escalators from the ground floor to the top floor, but the geniuses in charge decided to shut it off and, again, herd everyone up the flight of stairs. Another big line. And somehow, near the top, as we were trying to get into the Hip Hop room, me and some of the girls we were with got separated from the main party. I have no idea how. And apparently the way I tried getting in was the out, and I needed a special stamp. This made me really pissed, sicne by now I had stamps upon stamps. So that bouncer tells me to talk to the manager. The manager tells me to talk to the bouncer in charge of the entrance to the Hip Hop room? Follow me? Good, cause I barely do. Okay, I walk up to this guy and start explaining my problem and he literally sticks fingers in his ears and turns away. So I'm suck in another fucking line, packed closer than sardines, waiting to get into the Hip Hop room...and I don't even like Hip Hop. I'm no fire marshall, but I'm SURE that was against some fire code. I was hoping to spoon with someone by the end of the night, but not in at a club, and certainly not with the guy infront of me. Two hours later, I'm in that damn room, finally able to see my friend and left shortly after. If it wasn't for the fact that it was my friend's birthday, I would have left LOOOONG ago. So what's the moral of this story? Avoid Lucid like the plague, cause you never know what you'll catch from the person you'll be forced to spoon with while waiting in line.

Call now, operators are standing by

2004-10-17T23:45:00.000-04:00

They say that money can't buy happiness. I tend to disagree...somewhat. Money certainly can buy joy, if only for a brief time. Just remember when you were a kid, and you finally got that toy you were begging for Christmas. It didn't matter if five minutes later you were done playing with it and were looking for better things. The instant you opened that gift and saw that toy, you were the happiest kid in the world. For me, all I ever wanted was growing up was an Optimus Prime toy. And guess what? I never got it. Not until I was 22 and bought it myself for $130. Now some of you may think "Are you crazy spending that kind of money on a re-release of some $20 year old toy?" Not for me, since every time I look at that toy, I just smile to myself because all the wonderful childhood memories attached to Transformers and to me being a kid in general flood back to me. I'm not saying I've never bought something that I've regretted later. I'm not afraid to admit that I've bought one self-help book. And I look back and think to myself "why the hell did I buy that? I would have gotten over it regardless." But you know what, even though I only read 20 pages, it served it's purpose. It helped me feel better. Just don't go out there and buy everything you can afford and think you want though. That'll get you into trouble, believe me. And if not me, then my mom to whom I owe $5000 to (school and fun and unemployment will do that to you when you have no income).

So money can buy you happiness, no matter how fleeting that feeling may be. I guess it's like love in that sense...except easier on your bank account.

Suckling Pig

2004-10-06T22:03:00.000-04:00

So I joined a gym. But not just any gym...Extreme Fitness. Sounds so....hardcore doesn't it? Well I must say, this place is one heck of a place. And not as uppity as I thought it would be *coughcough*Bally's*cough cough. They have like the Cadillacs of gym equipment. All the cardio stations have a LCD screen television for each station. And a saltwater swimming pool. I must be easily impressed!

And for the first time as a member, I walked into that gym to do my fitness evaluation. They held a laser to my left bicep and voila!! I find out I'm 25% body fat. 25%!!! That's like if my entire left leg was made of fat. It's kinda disturbing...especially when I think about how much of that might have made it into my heart. And on that topic, they also did a cardiovascular test. 5 minutes on a stationary bike to see where my health is at. And I was "below average". So my fitness goal is to get my body fat percentage down to 10%, and gain about 40 lbs of muscle mass while staying at around the same weight. Apparently it's an ambitious goal, but very achievable since I have "a good build to build muscle". Then she started talking about compound sets and other fitness terms, and I looked at her like she was speaking Russian. So to explain, she took me out to show me some of the different machines I'll be torturing my body with for the next year. All in all though, it was a good night, and I feel refreshed even though it was a light workout.

But the experience got me to wonder how accurate those tests are. Like if they're rigged to be 5% off, or they decrease the oxygen level in the room so you seem more out of shape than you are. Because I used to cycle regularly, and I don't remeber 5 minutes on a bike being that strenous. And when you tell the person testing you that, they can chime in "well then, you must be in worse shape thatn you thought. You you have a lot to improve on, and we can help with a personal trainier that costs $70 for one session/month (and yes I bought that). They must have seen me coming from a mile away...which I assume is pretty easy when you're 25% body fat.

Wow

2004-10-01T01:28:00.000-04:00

I'm going on about 5-6 hours sleep each night every night for the past three weeks. I think I'm going slightly mad. It's like that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer decides to only sleep 6 hrs a night and starts falling asleep everywhere....I'm afraid I'm gonna hit that soon. I'm already having difficult finding the correct words to use. I mean it took me 10 minutes today to remember the word "sarcastic". And I'm having trouble articulating what i'm thinking right now. I think I'm going to bed. It'll do my rattled brain some good....that and maybe some omega-3 fatty acid.

I don't remember it hurting this much at camp

2004-09-20T22:26:00.000-04:00

Boy...it feels like I haven't been on this thing in forever. Job's been tiring me out for the days. I must be out of shape if the only thing that makes me feel exhausted at the end of the day is 8 hours of slightly meanial, carpal tunnel-causing labour. But a steady paycheque actually feels really nice.

I guess the most exciting thing to happen lately is the game of "Capture the Flag" I played in the forest behind York Hospital yesterday. Which was a great place incase someone needed medical attention. The forest was split into two halves and three flags of varying point for each team. We played three games at 30 minutes each, and for the first two games I didn't see any flags...or many people for that matter. I tended to get lost in the bush. But for the third game I pulled some serious stealth action like some SAS super soldier....or Solid Snake. Yeah we'll go with that. After a good amount of time quietly sneaking into the enemy zone, I notice a flag just sitting there in a stump in the middle of this thicket. So I silently walk up to it, grab it and take off like a scared deer being chased by a deer. I'm really quite surprised I didn't take an eye out by running into some protruding branch. I made it back to my side and somewhat hoped my team's flags were better guarded. About 10 minutes later when I caught my breath (hey, what can I say, I'm tres out of shape) I decided to try again, but from the other side. And that's when I saw the other flag...9 feet off the ground. So I try my previous strategy of quietlyu walking up to it and taking it. I was just reaching for it when I hear "he's over here" and I just grab the flag and bolt. With a guy hot on my heels and 10 feet away from the border, I trip over a log and take a fine tumble. And then with a slight limp I'm escorted to the "jail". Now from this jail I can see the flag perfectly. Just some brambles in my way, but no problems, except for the fact that I'm in jail. Oh well I can catch my breath. They sound a jailbreak and I'm home free...except I want that flag. So there I am in the middle of a path, with two people trying to block my way and put me back into incarceration, and next thing I know I'm in the middle of my own Mexican standoff. Nobody wants to make the first move, so we wait. And wait. And finally when they're distracted by other people for that split second, I bolt. I run through the brambles AGAIN, grab the flag in mid stride and run with my arms infront of me to block and push down any small trees in my way. And hot on my heels were three people determined to get their flag back. But this time I made it!! After the game was done, I went back to where I made my mad dash and was amazed that I didn't actually trip over anything.

The last thing we did was a game of Aliens VS Predator. Basically two predators had to protect 6 flags from the rest of us 15 aliens. And the predators had these foam-covered dowels lovingly named the "beat sticks" which they could strike and also throw like javelins. I was able to grab one and headed for the bridge just down this steep hill. And I knew if I made it to the bridge I'd be home free. Due to fatigue or my shortsightedness, I misjudged the speed at which the downhill started to slope, and I began to lose my balance. And just as I was about to regain it, Josh (bless his black black heart) hit me in the back of the head with an amazing javelin shot and sent me tumbling down this hill headfirst. How I survived that is beyond everyone! I was told all you could see from the top was my two legs sticking out and Josh and I laughing our asses off. So now my legs are so sore I can barely walk, skin has been scraped off both forearms, and I have a brise on my left arm that is more purple than I remember it being yesterday that I wonder if it's beginning to turn gangrenous. But you know what, it was all worth it.

It's the best game you can name...

2004-09-15T22:26:00.000-04:00

Watching the World Cup of Hockey finals yesterday, I realized two things:

1) I want to buy Team Canada's http://www.icejerseys.com/vintage_olympic_jerseys_canada.php 1920's Vintage Jersey. I don't care if you think it's ugly, it's the perfect jersey for me. I'm Canadian, I'm from Winnipeg, and I'm Chinese.

2) That was the last hockey game I'm going to see in a long time. Stupid labour dispute. It's hard to empathize with guys who get millions playing a game, or getting millions from people playing a game. I hear the NHLPA say over and over "let a free market system decide what the market can bare" in regards to salaries. But what they neglect to realize is that in a free market system, the whole idea is to run the competition into the ground. Now you can't really do that in a sports league since...well...the point is to HAVE c ompetition. Think of each team as their own company. And in a free market system, the biggest company with the most money will always be able to lure away the biggest and brightest talent. It happens in every other industry, why not hockey? All it takes is for one stupid GM with a team that's in a city that provides guaranteed revenue to spend copious amounts of money on talent (cough cough glensather cough cough). And then every other team has to be competitive in order not to lose their talent. And then salary skyrockets. Basically there are only a handful of cities that can sustain a hockey club without actually PLAYING hockey: probably all the Canadian teams (Toronto and Montreal especially), Detroit, Boston, New York, probably Colorado. Now I think that there aren't necessarily too many teams in the NHL per se, but just too many teams in cities that just aren't viable. Hockey in Nashville? C'mon. The fans have less teeth than the hockey players.

So for those reasons, I have no problem with a salary cap. It's a protection for the league as a whole, and not just an attempt to screw over the players. There will never be a time again when players play for nothing. And any salary cap should be more than generous. I think 55% of all revenues is reasonable. Look at the best run league with one of the highest revenues: the NFL. They have a salary cap, and their players aren't starving. And as much as I love hockey, I am under no false pretenses that the game barely registers above curling or AFL in ratings south of the border. For that reason, revenues aren't going to be high compared to other leagues in the first place, and if players keep on asking for money that doesn't exist, there will be no hockey for ANYONE here, and everyone, from the owners to the players, but especially the fans, are going to hate that.

Cirsus Rotentia

2004-09-08T18:13:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official that I'm now a working stiff. I just finished my first two days of work, and the first thought running though my mind is "What have I gotten myself into?!?" The first day was actually really boring. Had to deal with all the HR stuff. Then I was introduced to what seemed like everyone in the entire company. And I think I remember only 4 names...5 if the secretary's name is actually Gina. But what's really got me freaked out is the amount of work that's about to fall from the sky. Everyone who I'm working with tells me how I'm going to need to know over 1200 products by the time I'm done there and that some of the accounts I'm going to help handle are some of the company's biggest money-makers. So no pressure. I basically get to read client and product descriptions for the first two weeks, and then the sales reps and customers are going to start a-calling for my assistance. So say I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed is an understatement! The people I work with all seem really nice though. I don't think I could survive this whole training escapade if the people there were intolerable asses. On the contrary, there are only four marketing assistants and the other three are actually very attractive women all around my age. Call it another company perk. They're all taken though, and most importantly, so am I. The hardest thing about my day is actually waking up in the morning and staying awake. After four months of staying up till 3 am and waking up at 11, it's quite a shock to the system having to be conscious at 7:30 in the morning. I almost fell asleep during my Lotus Notes training session...and it was a one-one one session too! The only good piece of news that came out of that is I found out I get paid Friday! Not only do I get to start on a short week, but I get paid 4 days after I start!! How cool is that?

Helpful Tip of the Day:

2004-09-06T01:22:00.000-04:00

When your girlfriend asks you "Do I look fat in these pants?", the incorrect answer is "Not in those pants." Trust me.

Weird Trivia of the Day:

2004-09-05T02:43:00.000-04:00

Mint mouthwash up the nose hurts like a motherfucker.

All aboard!!

2004-08-30T22:35:00.000-04:00

This last weekend was the Canadian National Comic Book/Sci-Fi/Anime/Horror convention, or as I refer to it "Nerdfest 2004". I was there for all three days and my feet still hurt from the event. Friday was a day where I picked up all the needed convention exclusives. Like the convention exclusive cover of Fathom, and a toy of Kermit dressed as Indiana Jones. What can I say, I'm a sucker for gimmicks. Line-ups for autographs wasn't too bad, but I'm really sick of people taking advantage of the fact that the comic artists give out free autographs. When I first lined up, I felt pretty bad about having Michael Turner sign 5 of my books. But then I saw the people infront of me bring boxes (literally..boxes!!) full of stuff for the poor guy to be signed. and there couldn't have been more than 50 guys in line, but when it seems everyone's doing it, no wonder I was in line for a good hour and a half.

Speaking of lines, Saturday was an exercise in patience. We were there for 10 hours and I swear 8 of them were spent standing or waiting in some sort of line. Line to get up to the dealer room. Line to get to the cashier, line to get down from the dealer room. And on and on. The only line worth standing in was the line to see Patrick Stewart. But it turns out there was no Patrick Stewart on this day. Unfortunately he had to cancel at the last minute due to a preventative angioplasty. But in his place, they were able to wrangle up LeVar Burton and Michael Dorn (two Star Trek actors for those of you who aren't fluent in nerd), so I got to see two black dudes for the price of one stuffy Brit. And they were surprising funny and personable. Really funny antedotes, and really nice people. I actually got an autograph picture of both of them...cost me $70 though, but when am I going to get the chance to meet them again. And even better news is that the organizers are going to get Mr. Stewart to come in the fall, and my ticket is still good for that! If he ends up doing a personal signing, I'm going to get him to sign a hardcover copy of "A Christmas Carol". So after that was done, it was another 2 hours of waiting to see the masquarade. For those who don't know, the masquarade is basically people dressed up in homemade costumes as their favourite character from their favourite anime, and put on some sort of small skit. Why I subject myself to this kind of torture is beyond me. It's the whole car wreck syndrome: so horrid, yet I can't look away. At least there was some fine heckling from us that would make Stadler and Waldorf very proud.

But the most memorable thing of the weekend was the funk. Not the funk that one would bring with the noise, but I'm talking smelly nerds and otaku that do not bathe. It was horrible. A sea of sweaty humanity. It was all I could do on the Saturday to not throw up. I've never wished for a head cold before, but man, I wish I had one. And you must be thinking "it can't be that bad". Well, just imagine the most horrid, fowl smell you can possibly concieve, and picture that having really bad B.O. And multiply that by at least 1000 smell, dirty otaku who deserve whatever horrible fate becomes of them...and there you go. It was like I was a passenger on the Grand Funk Railroad. I'm still trying to wash the stink off me.

You know, after rereading this post, I've realized that I'm a HUGE nerd. I'm okay with that, because, unlike other nerds there, at least I bathe.

You know you're out of shape when...

2004-08-26T00:04:00.000-04:00

Today I have sustained what may probably be the most stupid injury in the short history of my life. I managed to pull what feels like every muscle in my lower back. How did I sustain this injury? Through some attempted feat of gargantuan strength gone horribly awry? Or perhaps my very own attempt to be featured on TSN's Highlight of the Night during a pickup game of touch football? No, it happened when I sneezed. Well, when I attempted to hold in a sneeze to be exact. If anyone else has tried this, you know that all the muscles in your torso contract. Well, when I held in the sneeze, the muscles in my lower back tensed up and as I type this 14 hours after the fact, have yet to untense. Somehow "gesundheit" doesn't seem to apply to this situation. Any thoughts as to what is?

Now as long as I sit or stand perfectly straight, there is no pain. But if I bend over or slouch a little, it feels like my body will split in two. I guess it was somewhat of a good thing as it forced me to sit perfectly straight during my job interview. However it did me no favours whatsoever in my hour car trip to Waterloo afterwards to help my friend move. I will tell you this, boys and girls, moving heavy boxes with a hurt lower back is not a good therapeutic practice. Hopefully this will heal itself by Friday as I have a whole weekend of standing and looking at the various issues of Nerdular Nerdance available.

I would find the entire experience embarrassing if it weren't for the sheer ridiculousness of the cause. At the very least, my posture should improve at the end of the ordeal. But if anyone asks, I pulled my back playing rugby...while trying to impress the ladies....

A little bit of Salt-N-Pepa

2004-08-22T14:55:00.000-04:00

As usual, I was up into the wee hours of the morning watching late night TV. It's amazing what you can find to watch at 3 in the morning. Anyways, I turned to this Life Network show about sexuality (title had something to do with chocolate?) and the time they were discussing the hypocrisy of male and female promiscuity. You all know that age-old argument: men are "players" while women are just sluts. Now listening to these people argue over the point, I began to think about the issue myself. And in my half-sleep induced delirium, I believe I may have come up with an answer. For this, I turn to what I learned in my evolution class; the only class I kept enough interest in to actually be conscious for the majority of classes I attended. From an evolutionary standpoint, sex is all about passing down genes to the next generation. So for males, it boils down to a numbers game. Having sex with as many females as possible increases the chances that his genes will be passed on to future generations in some sort of genetic legacy. For females, the game is all about selection. She has to choose the fittest male who she believes will give the offspring the best chance of survival. And everywhere in nature, this seems to be the case. That's why in nature you see all those elaborate mating rituals (ie, those crazy dancing birds you always see in nature videos at school), as well as various appendages and colourings like the huge and basically impractical plumage of the male peacock.

My theory is that from an evolutionary standpoint, for a woman to sleep with a lot of men, it could signify that either she's not very picky or she's a poor judge of fitness. Either option means that as the number of men she sleeps with increases the chances of her getting an offspring with strong genes is decreased. I'm not saying it's fair that if women enjoys sex, they get labeled as sluts or skanks or whatever derogatory term you want to use. This is jut my explanation of why there is this sexual hypocrisy. But on a plus side ladies, although men have more sexual freedom in this regard, women have all the sexual power. A man could have the looks of Brad Pitt, the charisma of Sean Connery, and the wealth of Bill Gates and there's still no guarantee that he can take a woman home. Women are the ones who make all the decisions in this regard. They hold the keys to the kingdom.

It's been a long time since I've Rock and Rolled

2004-08-14T22:46:00.000-04:00

It's another Saturday night that I'm sitting at home for. I had free tickets to some comedy show taping that Sara was kind enough to give me, on the account of her feeling under the weather and not being able to use them. So I'm thinking I shouldn't have too much trouble finding someone. It's a Saturday night thing, it happens at 9, so there should be plenty of time to scrounge someone. I did get one friend, but he had to cancel due to him tutoring some poor kid till 8 in Mississauga. And everyone else I tried either had plans already, or I got their machine. So I didn't go. And this whole experience has left me feeling kind of small if I can't find one person I know to go to a free comedy taping. Granted it was kinda short notice, but it brought the point home again that even though I've lived in the GTA for a good 3 years now, I really don't know too many people here.

Two sides of the same coin

2004-08-11T00:23:00.000-04:00

I saw the new Manchurian Candidate today. Very good movie, although the "science" presented was a bit far fetched. If you can get over that, and the disturbingly close close-ups of everyone, it is a very enjoyable movie.

Although what I found really interesting between this one and the original was that it went from the evil Communist conspiracy to the evil Capitalist conspiracy, with basically the exact same plot. It shows how the political landscape over the past 40 years has changed so drastically. Just something to think about. I really have to see the original now.

I think Alanis wrote a song on somthing like this

2004-08-06T01:07:00.000-04:00

I had half an hour to kill today while waiting for Sara to finish her appointment at Extreme Fitness. They had this juice bar, and I wanted one of their frozen juice popsicles. But knowing the clientele, it'd probably be made of fat free, sodium free juice from non-genetically-modified fruit that's been organically grown, picked by unionized Canadian labourers, has some sort of soy-based stabilizer in the juice, and packaged in recycled, biodegradeable materials...and cost about $4 per popsicle.

What to do now? I buy a magazine at the convenience store across the street. It was this National Geographic. Now I usually don't buy National Geographic (because I'm uncouth), but what drew me to it was the strange dichotomy of the cover. The cover story was "Why Americans are so fat?", with the second by-line about the "Athens Olympic Games - Then and Now". The two most interesting story of the month for National Geographic are human beings at the peak of physical and mental fitness, and the fat fucks who watch them on TV. It was a really good read though. Especially seeing the difference in food portions between 1960 and now.

And then it hits me. Here I am, someone who hasn't had regular exercise in a good five months, reading an article about how living a sedate life without exercise will make you fat, while sitting in the lobby of Extreme Fitness. There's a word for situations for this....if only I can remember it...

Avenger! My "Personal Digital Assistant"!!

2004-08-04T00:18:00.000-04:00

So my good friend Marc came in from the 'Peg out of the blue and threw my schedule completely out of whack (don't worry dude, it's a good thing). I'm still somewhat recovering from it, although I think I should be back on my daily schedule of waking up late and looking for employment by the end of the week. Saturday, I picked up Marc and headed out to dinner. Good thing about company trips is that the company pays for everything...and me, Marc, and Norm took good advantage of that. Mmm, steak dinner. And then off to drinks with the missus and her friends at some place called St. Louis (with the "i" pretentiously changed to a chili pepper). Unfortunately I was the one driving, so I was only able to order my "No I'm driving...okay, okay, I'l have one drink" drink: Drambuie on the rocks, and proceeded to sip that fucker for a good hour. Never have I ever had so many strange looks from people of my generation as the people at that table gave me. Apparently, Drambuie is for old, English men who sit about the country club talking about the results of the latest football (or soccer, if you will) game. So I just have to say...um...."My baby takes the morning train, he works from nine to five and then, he takes another home again, to watch Manchester United play" or something like that.

Anyways, we got back from the bar waaaay too late, and had to wake up waaay too early to go to the beach. Unfortunately Marc couldn't make it cause he had to work (the chump). And I was so surprised that I was so alert for 9:00 am after only getting 3-4 hours of sleep. Traffic was hectic, as would be expected on a long weekend. So we decided to take the back roads. Big mistake. As soon as I turn off, we enter one of those "community safety zones" so I was pulled over for speeding (60 in an 80 zone). What a bunch of crap. Stupid O.P.P. (yeah you know me). Anyways, what was a maze of backroads and wrong turns that turned out to be "smart mistakes" we got to Sara's friend's "cottage home" in Collingwood at around 12:00, and still beat my other friends by about 30 minutes. After a great B.B.Q lunch of kosher hamburgers (they were on sale) and buffalo burgers, we got to Cragley Beach at around 2:30. At first I thought the beach was named after the guy who discovered it, but now I'm thinking it's more of a descriptive name because there was basically no sand on this beach. Just sharp, masses of rock projecting up from the beach floor. Everyone there had at least one small cut on their foot. Me, I got one on my big toe, but that's about it. There was one sandbar that I found, but could not stand on lest I drown. We stayed there till about 6:00, and I still didn't tan somehow and managed to stay ghostly pale. Now one thing that's not good about getting no sleep is that it makes drinking very very hard. A quick trip to Luch's house at 10 to join in the white trash festivities, and I was passed out after only 3 drinks by midnite. Oh how I'm embarassed.

Monday I paid that fucking ticket and had to drive all the way to Bradford (don't ask where it is, I'm still not sure). I walked in, and paid my $100 to take some sort of traffic school course so my ticket would be exponged. It was a 20 question, multiple choice test and it was open book. It was a complete joke. But i'm happy I did it. Probably saved me tons on insurance costs. The traffic back was absolutely horrible. Acutally the traffic back to Toronto wasn't too bad. It was the traffic to get to my house was absolutely horrible. What a way to end the weekend.

Yes, I'm well aware of how badly this last post was done. I apologize for any loss in IQ.

Darwin's Revenge

2004-07-27T20:49:00.000-04:00

So this weekend I have realized that the human species is slowly going to die out. Not from pollution, not from war, and not from climate change, but from the thinning of the gene pool. Since we are now the dominant species on the planet, there's no reliable mechanism for culling the herd. And because of that, there are more slow, weak, and downright stupid than ever before. I mean when I see two guys doubling on a bike made for someone half their ages, down the turning lane, during rush hour nonetheless, I have to shake my head. And when they almost fall off the bike into oncoming traffic, all thoughts of compassion go out the window. Those idiots deserve whatever the Fates have in store for them.

It's not the only time I've witnessed such stupidity this weekend either. I went to the local Pizza Pizza to buy a piece of pizza, two Dr. Peppers, and a bag of Doritos. Simple enough? There were four guys working that night. One guy put my slice of pizza in the oven and then proceeded to stare at the cash register for a good two minutes. The second guy then came over, and took my order, while the third guy got the pizza out of the oven, and gave me my change. However, they forgot the Doritos. Here's my conversation with the guy:

Me: Um, didn't I order a bag of Doritos?
Guy: (while looking at the register) No, you ordered a vegetarian pizza and two Dr. Peppers
Me: Can I get a bag of Doritos then?
Guy: You'll have to pay for them.
Me: I'm well aware of how this works.

So it took three guys to screw up my order and waste 7 minutes of my time. I swear, humanity is in for one rough ride.

Same thing we do every night, Pinky

2004-07-27T14:45:00.000-04:00

For the first time in my life I played Risk, the game of world conquest. And for first-timers, me and my partner kicked some serious ass! Maybe it was beginner's luck, or maybe it was because I'm a notorious cheat. Of all the games that I've ever played and cheated at, Risk was by far the easiest. Palming game pieces to be "strategically placed" on the board, grabbing more than the prerequesite battle cards, predetermining the outcome of the dice; I honestly couldn't believe noone ever caught me, especially with these people who take their board games so seriously. I don't think I was sublte about it either. Add onto that all the broken treaties and ceasefires, it made for a very entertaining night...for me anyways. Who knew mass genocide could be such wholesome fun!

Right you are Ken!

2004-07-22T22:02:00.000-04:00

What to do when you're bored on a Thursday night? Well if you're me, you watch one of the funniest shows on TV: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, or MXC. Now if you've never seen this show, I'll try my best to try and describe it to you. The take footage from an old Japanese game show called Takeshi's Castle. Now the games in this show are nothing but outright genius in the slapstick, laugh at other people's misery kind of way. Basically all the games involve spinning, turning, running, or swinging, with game names filled with all sorts of sexual innuendo like "Chum in the mouth", "Holes of Glory", and "Circle Jerkers". If the contestants are successful in reaching the end, they score a point for their team. But it's when the people fail that all hilarity breaks out.

For example, one game which they call "log jam " is probably one of the most painfully funny games to watch. There are 7 cylinders at different heights across a pool of water. The contestants have to run across to the the other side of the pool without falling in. This is made extremely hard by the rollers moving when they are stepped on. I still laugh every time I think of that one woman who fell in between two logs and actually had her heel touch the back of her head, or another time where someone completely misjudged the gap and face-planted themselves on the one log and then momentum careening her head off the the log behind her. Oh, good times.

What makes the show, however, is the humour.  They have team competing against each other such as "wedding industry versus trucking industry" or "people who make reality TV versus animal specialists: the classic battle of the unscripted versus the untamed". To add to the fun, commentary is given to the audience through the hilarious comments of straightman Vic Romano and colour commentator Kenny Blankenship. And on the field there's the game Marshall Captain Tenneal along with special correspondent Guy LeDouche, an overtly perverse and rather creepy looking guy. A little snippet from the show "Adult Entertainment versus Home Improvement"

Vic: (introducing the next contestant) "he's a tub caulker."
Kenny: "Oh so he's into fat chicks."
Vic: "I'm not sure what he's into Ken!"
Kenny: "So what does he do with his cock?"
Vic: "he sticks it in the crack, Ken"
Kenny: "Oh so he's in porn then!"
Vic: "Kenny listen, he is in construction!"
Kenny: "You say he sticks his cock in the crack and he's in construction?"
Vic: "Caulking, it's used to fill cracks. It's a compound."
Kenny: "He built a place to do this."
Vic: "Ah Kenny!"
Kenny: "Am I missing something?"
Vic: "Well thanks to you we practically missed the entire run..."

And my favourite quote ever from that show:

Vic: "First up for the adult entertainers is Candy Assanopolous. She wrote the surprise adult hit 'My Big Stained Greek Bedding'."

Yes I know...what can I say? Simple pleasures for a simple guy. Watch it MXC on Spike TV every Thursday!  And remember, don't get eliminated!!!

And no I didn't get paid to write this, but maybe I should have.....

Weird Trivia of the Day:

2004-07-20T15:20:00.000-04:00

Sir Ian Flemming based his suave super-spy James Bond on a Canadian WWII spy William Stephenson, code name Intrepid, who was born in Winnipeg. It seems nobody does it better than a Winnipegger.

I'm not crazy, I'm the sane one in a crazy world

2004-07-19T19:05:00.000-04:00

So for the past three days, I've been living in the basement as my aunt and uncle from San Francisco have absconded my room. So because of this, my sense of time is completely out of whack. I slept in until 1 pm thinking it was only 10 in the morning. There's just no natural light to give any clues. Not only that, but the rest of my family seems to act as if there's no one in the basement at all. They barge into the basement in the mornings, turn on the lights and make all sorts of noise, and I don't think I've gotten a good full 8 hrs of sleep since I was banished there. I swear, I think my family is conducting some sort of perverse psychology experiment to see how far they can push me until I break.

And I almost snapped last weekend. Our neighbor was complaining to us that he didn't appreciate our "weeds" spreading onto his perfect suburban lawn. And it's not the first time he's complained about something. Apparently, our hedges are "too high" for his liking, and he offered to trim them for us...for a fee. Everyone has that type of neighbor: anal-retentive kind who needs to be in control of every aspect of his surroundings. And if you don't, maybe you need to look in the mirror. For example, there was an accident outside of our house, and one of the cars pulled into his driveway to get off the road. Now the car dripped oil onto his driveway, and he comes to my house asking if I saw anything because the car dripped oil onto his driveway. He wanted to find the guy who owned the car so he could charge him for cleaning up the oil that dripped onto his driveway. And on it went. In our two minute conversation, he mentioned being mad at the car dripping oil on his driveway at least 5 times. Now it's one thing to be upset, but it's another to obsess about it. So it really came to no surprise to me that he wouldn't like the "condition" of our yard. He basically made my mom sign a contract with some yard work crew that would get rid of the weeds in our yard. And the thing is, they haven't showed up yet!

Who's to decide what's nice in a yard anyways? I think the whole lawn deal is ugly and overrated. It looks like green carpet that you have to water to keep clean. It's such a waste of resources. One might as well have astroturf and it'd be the same with a lot less upkeep. And no, lawns do not look natural. If lawns were naturally supposed to look like that, weeds would not be such a big problem, right? Personally, I think a lawn looks more healthy and natural with some "weeds". In fact, I don't think I've ever seen grass grow as well and weed-free in the wild as I do in the suburban jungle. It's all a farce that we've bought into for god knows what reason. Maybe some poor father/husband decided to make a lawn one day so he could get a few hours of peace and quiet away from the family on the weekends. Then his neighbor saw it and said to himself "Hey, that looks pretty good!" And from there, the lawn spread like a virus, infecting every suburban home and making slaves out of every man, woman and child to keep it clean and green whether they want one or not (Well, maybe not women. When was the last time you saw a woman mow the lawn?). If I had my way, I'd just let the yard grow naturally and unfettered, and have two goats grazing in my yards to keep the grass short. But then I'd probably get complaints about the goats smelling or something. The bastard.

She blinded me with science!

2004-07-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

Whether it be the horrendous lyrics of Adam Ant or Foreigner, or the melodic genius of Depeche Mode or A-Ha, 80's music always manages to bring a smile to my face. It came at a time after everyone woke from their drug-induced haze in the 70's, but before people were either jaded or jaded of being jaded in the 90's, and certainly before the gluttonous consumerism that is so rampant in the new millennium. No, it reminds me of a simpler time, a more innocent time. Maybe that's because it reminds me in part of my early childhood, when life was so much easier. All I worried about was ninjas and candy. Usually how to learn and use ninja powers to get more candy. There's just something about 80's music: the nonsensical lyrics, neon-coloured music videos, the big hair, the keyboard guitar, or synthesizer-laden pop hits, combined with the vast number of "one hit wonders" which I haven't seen in any other decade. It makes me want to break out the snap bracelets and sweat pants, and start playing with my Transformers and G.I. Joes all over again.

Peter Griffin was right all along: Thompson Twins Rule!!

I see the light...and it burns!!

2004-07-05T01:28:00.000-04:00

In my 23 years of living, I have come to find one great truth. There are three events where you're able to think the clearest and are the most relaxed:

1) When you take a piss
2) When you take a shit
3) When you have an orgasm

It's quite the coincidence that it all occurs in the same general region of the body too. It's like the release of brain endorphins is somehow directly connected to the pelvic region. Maybe it is, I'm no anatomy major. And the longer you have to hold either one of these functions in, the more relaxed and clearer your thought processes are afterwards. How did i come to realize such a thing? It occured after one of these events. And no, I'm not going to tell you which one.

Weird trivia of the day:

2004-07-01T02:13:00.000-04:00

If you smell burnt almonds for no apparent reason, get out of the room, cause it's poison gas.

Um....beef.....stew....

2004-07-01T02:12:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but I feel compelled to write something here after a two week absence. I really don't have anything to say either, but I just get this feeling that if I don't write something down somewhere my mind will explode. So that's about it really. Boy do I feel better!

I've officially gradumacated!!

2004-06-21T00:41:00.000-04:00

That's right boys and girls, I'm officially a Bachelor of Science! The degree is hanging on my wall right now! It is the most expensive piece of paper I have, costing me close to $30 000 and 5 years of my life, which shortly enough I will find out if it was worth it all. But I had quite the celebration on Friday. For the convocation, they call the different graduates from the different science programs up three at a time. Seeing as though there were only four of us in my program and my name comes last alphabetically, I got to cross that large convocation platform all by myself. It was odd, with all the different classes of graduates having more and more elaborate headwear as their degree or status increases. Seeing as though undergraduates only get a hood, I can only imagine that the dean of the university must have a huge fucking sombrero.

Well, after convocation we had one last celebratory beer at the Bomber. I tell you, Blue has never tasted sweeter, and Moosehead as fulfilling. And nothing is more fun than getting a little drunk before going out to dinner with your parents. But what a dinner! If you're ever in the Waterloo area, go to a little place called Ali Baba's Steakhouse. It's a bit fancy, but some of the best steak I've had. And it tastes even better when you don't have to pay for it. Good ol' parents. I love them. I even bought myself a graduation present. Go expected income! (the only thing I think I truely learned in Economics class). But I'm just babbling now. I'll have to write more when I'm more coherent. Later days.

I've had two showers and I still feel unclean

2004-06-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

So today I woke up all wide-eyed and full of optimism. Why? Because I had an interview with a marketing firm for a management training position that seemed promising. It was an interview where we'd be visiting "clients" all day. There were four others in the car with me, driven by the guy who would be watching and evaluating me today. And we had a nice talk. He asked me alot about sales and what my first thought was when I heard the word "salesmen". And I told him that it was not very positive as I think of the swarmy door-to-door salesmen and the telemarketers. And it only wasn't until 20 minutes later and half-way to Barrie that I realized that these guys WERE door-to-door salesmen. So I had to apologize about that quickly while removing my foot from my mouth. At least he had a good sense of humour about it, and he understood my aprehensions.

What were they selling you may ask? Apparently there was a new NAPA Auto Centre opening in Barrie, and to celebrate they were offering 4 oil changes for the price of one. So here I am, in the middle of some Barrie suburb, watching people selling coupons with no way back home, thinking to myself "I've been had!!" I mean I was not dressed for all day walking at all. My new office-type shoes were killing me at the end. But it was quite an interesting experience. It was quite the site to see people buy something they might never have even considered, and at the same time, have other people who admitted to paying more than they should but still not wanting to save money for the simple fact that it was sold by some door-to-door guy. I mean, I do that as well. Plus I got to spend all day outside, which was quite nice. I will say that those involved (with this company at least) were good, honest, hard-working people, and I respect them for going out and doing it, but it all seems sleazy to me.

So after 8 hours (two of them caught in the rain) and another 1 hr drive back, the guy asks me if I could get 100% behind this kind of work. Now the position sounded really interesting. After one year of door-to-door sales, I'd be put through training to ultimately be able to manage a territory within Canada. So I'd be in charge of clients, concepts and hiring. Plus the pay wasn't great to start with as it was all commission-based, but assistant manager and above had a really good compensation plan. But after what happened today, I had to think to myself "do I give up my pride and take this job for the money I so badly need, or do I keep my pride and continue this increasingly fruitless job search?" And in the end my pride came up on top and I had to tell him the truth. I told him that although the position was interesting, I couldn't give him a 100% yes because I felt duped. I mean the last thing I was expecting today was being a door-to-door salesman. And if I ever did become a manager and be in charge of hiring, how could I live with myself knowing I'd have to dupe people into this kinda thing when I didn't appreciate being duped myself? I'd feel so dirty.

So there you go. Word to the wise: if you ever hear of a full day interview, ask up front if it's door-to-door sales. So it looks like I'm still unemployed. At least I can still look myself in the mirror and know I didn't sell out for money yet. Of couse it's one thing to have pride, but pride and an empty bag is worth an empty bag...

Would I like fries with that?

2004-06-11T15:50:00.000-04:00

Why is it that all the jobs I do get interviews for all seem really shady and bare little interest for me. But beggars can't be choosers, and if I'm unemployed for much longer, a beggar I will be.

They lost and it's all my fault

2004-06-10T22:42:00.000-04:00

So it's been more than two weeks since my last post, and you can thank the Stanley Cup Finals for that. Calgary didn't win and it's all my fault. Just like every other good hockey fan, I have my very own superstitious habits. See, I have what I call the "Magic Spot". And as every good hockey fan knows, whether or not one follows said habits is the sole reason for one's team either winning or losing. For me, it's the "Magic Spot". Whenever I would watch a game secluded in my room, the team I'd cheer for would win. Now the rational person may chalk this up due to sheer coincidence, but the fact it happened every time I was in my "Magic Spot" during the second round of the playoffs and beyond, I have to think that some sort of divine machinations are behind this. It's as if the hockey gods have blessed my room. But of course, for Game 7 with the entire series on the line, I had to go to a birthday party. And of course, Calgary lost. I thought maybe they'd be able to pull off one more miracle win, because it would have been the best way for the NHL to go out on. The underdog team that shocked the world. It would have been such an inspirational story that Disney would have made a movie of it (of course changing it to an American team in some AAA dipshit league, starring Corey Feldman as the grizzled veteran) To think that there may not be hockey as we know it is upsetting. But that's not the way the world goes. Tampa Bay has the Stanley Cup. Another US city in which the majority of the populous probably doesn't even know the team was in the playoffs to begin with. Oh well, I guess there's always next year (hopefully). And to all Calgary Flames fans, I'm sorry for leaving my "Magic Spot".

On a completely unrelated note:

I was contemplating that I was missing the living the student life: waking up close to noon, doing nothing with the days, and spending money I don't have. Then I realized that I'm still living the student life. C'est la vie!

Wait! Slow down the bandwagon so I can hop on!

2004-05-26T01:41:00.000-04:00

The Calgary Flames won game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals....how cool is that? Now only 3 more games to win....

What a perfectly relaxing weekend

2004-05-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

Well, this long Victoria weekend was one of the most pleasant I've had in quite a while, regardless of the rainy weather. Spent the Friday and Saturday at the local anime convention, or as I called it, Nerdfest (and yes I am including myself in this group). It was...Interesting, to say the least. I must say that anime fans are some of the most rabidly picky ones that I've seen. You know how Simpsons fans will correct you if you misquote something from the show? Well, from what I saw this weekend, it's the same thing with Anime fans when you mispronounce the countless Japanese names, except with more contempt. But the funny thing that I learned through my Japanese friend is that a good 85% of the time, even these "super-fans" don't pronounce things properly. So we had fun mocking them.

There was also a model figure contest, and I should have entered. Not because I'm good at it since I've only finished one and working on my second, but because there were only 5 entrants and I believe 7 prizes. I think the odds would have been with me.

Another interesting facet of this convention was the whole cosplay ordeal. For those who don't know, cosplaying is just people dressing up as their favorite anime character. So you can see how there would be some costumes that weren't thought out very well. That's all I'm going to say about that. But I will say that anyone willing to dress up in sometimes a very inappropriate costume for no other reason than for fandom is admirable. And it is something I think I'll do once in my lifetime. Maybe a nicely made Solid Snake...

Also saw the movie "Super-size Me". It's quite the interesting look at the food culture in the US. It basically chronicles what happens if you go on the McDiet for a month: 30 days eating nothing but what's on the McDonald's menu for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And Ed was right, it was a foregone conclusion before the movie even started. I mean anyone on any kind of extreme diet, especially for a whole month, is bound to run into serious health problems. Where me and Ed do differ in opinions is in its dealing with the lawsuits against the fast food companies, specifically McDonald's. The main point of the lawsuit was that these two teenage girls in the US sued McDonald's basically because their food made them fat and McDonald's wanted the lawsuit thrown out (I don't necessarily disagree with them on this point either). However, the judge presiding over the case said that if the two girls could show that McDonald's was directly responsible for their obesity and overall health problems, they would have a case. And on this point the movie succeeded in showing the damaging effects of the McDiet. But there was no message, no social commentary other than eating fast food is bad; which should be quite obvious to most people. Again I do agree that the movie would have been vastly better if it had focused more on personal culpability in the choices we make. It is true that corporations are out to appease their shareholders and sometimes do very nefarious things to do that. However, "the shareholders" aren't some mystical sect that wish to keep the little guy down. In fact, for the most part shareholders are the little guys so in the end of it all, we are the source of our own misery.

Also spent the last two days with my sweet, so I can't complain about that. She even made watching the Angel marathon tolerable. If only we were in the same town for more than a couple of days at a time. Oh well.

2004-05-20T23:39:00.000-04:00

As excited as I was at the prospect of having the house to myself for the next week or so, I realized I did not factor into account one very important variable: human contact. There is no noise whatesoever. It's more quiet than the crowd at a "Heuy Lewis and the News" cover band concert. Add on the fact that basically everyone I know in Ontario is either working or not in the immediate GTA, it leaves the possibility of socialization amoung friends quite slim. But I'm going to take this as an opportunity. Who knows who lurks around the next corner and all.

I'm gonna go nerd it up at the big anime convention tomorrow. It'll be interesting to see the spectacle that is an anime "super fan" and to catalogue it via digital camera. It'll be like a safari into the great plains of geekdom, or me going back to join my own kind, whichever way you want to look at it. Maybe they'll have some cheap DVDs and toys there. You can never have enough toys...

2004-05-17T23:37:00.000-04:00

I realized just recently that I'm not on summer vacation, I'm just unemployed. And yes I did write about this just recently, but when you do nothing for your days but look for work that no one seems to be hiring for, you tend not to do much in the days. My biggest thrill today? My mom bought a 12-pack of 1L Cokes. That's fucking it. At least I should get outside into some sun, but I'm too fucking depressed to even do that. So now I'm turning pastier and fatter as the days go on. Hopefully something can shake me out of this funk before I end up as one of those 35-year-old unemployed slobs that still lives at home above their parent's garage. Oh god...my room is already above the garage! I must get out soon.

2004-05-13T13:07:00.000-04:00

The miracle of genetics and heredity

Doing some quick research, I discovered that within one or two degrees of relatedness, my family has a history of heart disease, stroke, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, high eye pressure (?), thinning retinas, diabetes, various types of cancer, renal problems, liver problems, thyroid problems, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, manic depression, Schizophrenia, asthma, osteoporosis, high cholesterol, and perhaps most distressing...male pattern baldness. Oh how I'm looking forward to old age.

2004-05-12T23:03:00.000-04:00

Are you feeling okay? Are you gassy? Is it gas? I bet it's gas

Watching the news today, I noticed for what seems like a week straight that one of the top stories is the "outrageous" gas prices seen today. Today I saw prices at 87.9 cents/litre, which I guess is more than what I'm used to paying. Compared to any other places in the world, gas is pretty cheap here. But do you know what I find really stupid? They go around interviewing people asking what they think of the gas prices, and they all complain about how outrageously expensive gas and that government should step in and regulate the prices. And if you look at the vehicle they're pumping the gas into, they're all huge SUVs. I don't feel one bit sorry for you because a couple of years ago, when government wanted to either increase the fuel efficiency or put a levy on SUVs, these same people stood up and yelled, full of moral indignation, "government should have no place in the free market society. I should be able to drive whatever I want without the government interfering!" Well guess what, that makes you a fucking hypocrite. You can't have a free market dictating prices and then have the government step in whenever it gets "too expensive" for you. And to these people, I say "tough shit". You don't like the gas prices, you shouldn't be driving an SUV. Besides, I'm willing to bet that 99.9% of all SUVs never even touch a dirt road in their suburbanite, cookie cutter housing development, stepford wife existence. I swear, SUVs are the embodiment of what's wrong with western society: large, loud, and wasteful.

2004-05-09T17:08:00.000-04:00

im beginning to truely believe that the internet is causing the slow deterioration of the written language as we know it i can forgive speling mistaks at least you can make out waht the message is supposed to be but if its one thing i cant stand more is the lack of punctuation usage even if the person has a valid point it is for the most part illegable it makes the whole thing look like the written equivalent of verbal diarrhea thats on par with what you hear from your braindead neighbor down discussing how scandalous last weeks episode of the bachelor was iTs AlMoSt As BaD aS pEoPlE WhO cApItAlIzE EvErY oThEr LeTtEr or thoseXwhoXuseXXsXasXspaces it's enough to drive one mad although it is comforting to know that the people who do type like this probably wont amount to much in their lives

2004-05-07T19:39:00.000-04:00

Unemployment wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the "no income" part...

Summer's almost here!

2004-05-02T13:16:00.000-04:00

Even though winter is my favourite season, here in Southern Ontario, winters are usually depressing. No snow and brown, dying grass, salt everywhere, bitter winds and even more bitter people. But that's all gone and now and the weather is warming up. Just a few days ago, the sun was shining, and everyone was out enjoying the beautiful day, including me. One great thing about the warmer weather is that the SQ (skin quotient) gets incredibly high, and just like any other hot-blooded male, I couldn't be happier.

However, in the face of sounding unpopular, I'm just going to come out and say that fat people should not wear skin-tight jeans. There should be a law against it. And it's not a shot at fat people per se. I mean, I don't wear tight muscle shirts because I don't have muscles and that I have a slight beer gut. I know it won't look good on me. It's along the same lines with the tight pants. I don't need to be able to see every fold of skin and cellulite giggle like jello on a hot day. Look, nothing is more feminine than that beautiful hour-glass shape, but when it more resembles a melting hourglass from Salvador Dali's worst nightmare, please PLEASE do us all a favour and wear something less...form-fitting (and that goes for spandex as well). I can just hear all those women calling me another shallow, sexist pig. I say whatever...they're probably fat anyways.

2004-04-29T00:05:00.000-04:00

So this is my inaugural posting on this site, and what would be my third or fourth try at this. I feel like I'm leaving my thoughts randomly around the internet, just like that dog does on the various lawns in my neighborhood.

Anyways, that's really all for now. More random thoughts to come.